


orphan of broken dreams

by aelins



Category: The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: ALINA IS 16 WHEN SHE FUCKS THE DARKLING!!, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Dark, Child Abuse, Coming of Age, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Grisha school, Grooming, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, PLEASE READ ALL TAGS BEFORE PROCEEDING!, Power Dynamics, Power Imbalance, Slow Burn, Violently anti-mal, and the darkling loves alina very much, but he’s not always doing what’s best for her, i mean it’s a romance, in a sick and twisted way!, potentially!, the darkling is a romantic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:13:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24431893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aelins/pseuds/aelins
Summary: Alina’s story as an eight year old who’s just discovered she’s Ravka’s savior. She grows up with the favor of the Darkling and all the girls in her classes want to be her. She struggles at first to use her power but as soon as she lets Keramzin go she blossoms into a black lotus, the Darkling’s protege.
Relationships: The Darkling | Aleksander Morozova/Alina Starkov
Comments: 77
Kudos: 220





	1. take me away from here, let’s see the stars

**Author's Note:**

> *This is darkfic, and includes child grooming. Proceed with extreme caution.*

*~*~*

**BEFORE**

*~*~*

_ “You’re very right. Anyone can boil water. But not just anyone can master the Small Science. That’s why we’ve come to test you.” She turned to Ana Kuya. “Leave us now.” _

_ “Wait!” exclaimed Mal. “What happens if we’re Grisha? What happens to us?” _

_ The woman in red looked down at them. “If, by some small chance,  _ one _ of you is Grisha, then that lucky child will go to a special school where Grisha learn to use their talents.” _

_ “You will have the finest clothes, the finest food, whatever your heart desires,” said the man in purple. “Would you like that?” _

_ “It is the greatest way that you may serve your King,” said Ana Kuya still hovering by the door. _

Alina tried not to panic when she was dragged, kicking and screaming away from Mal. The woman in red brought her into an empty room and held her hand tightly. Something… beastly roared inside her. Something that had been trying to get out of her for years she’d just never been able to put a name to it.

“Alina it’s okay,” the woman in red said. But Alina knew it was not okay. If she was grisha, then she would be separated from Mal and she couldn’t live with that. She forced the beast down but as the woman squeezed her hand, it surged out of her and covered the room in bright, warm light.

There was a gasp and a muttered oath from the woman in red, she let go of Alina’s hand. Alina felt warm and comfortable for the first time in a very long time. The woman was muttering something to the man in blue. Alina looked around uncomfortably, the light had been bright and she was feeling a little dizzy. She didn’t want to leave, she couldn’t leave her best friend,  _ her only friend _ behind.

“...Yes, we must take her immediately, no time to send word,” The woman in red said, sounding alarmed. The woman said something about Fjerda and Shu Han and how they would want Alina and her power.

Alina’s heart plummeted. The door on the other side of the upstairs was still closed and she could hear Mal yelling “I want to see her! Let me see her before you take her!”

Alina started crying and fussing. She needed to say goodbye to Mal. She heard Mal’s footsteps, and he came careening out of the room they’d used to test him. They collided and Mal hugged little Alina. She was crying, crying; she didn’t want to leave!

“I’ll find you.” Mal whispered, “I’ll come to Os Alta and I’ll find you.” He said, his voice cracking with the burn of tears. “I will never forget you.”

The adults were looking on and decided it was time to remove the little girl from her home. It took three people to pull Mal away from Alina. She’d never seen him so angry and so sad.

The woman in red led her down the stairs and Ana Kuya dressed her in her warmest coat and they were off in the troika, pulled by three black horses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am the original owner of The Black Lotus, I deleted my account after antis became a problem, and orphaned all my works! This is the story I originally intended to tell, in full, no holds barred. This will be largely unbeta’d. come talk to me, i’d love to hear form you on social media [tumblr ](https://danaanruhn.tumblr.com) / [twitter](https://www.twitter.com/pincelings_) / [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/danaanruhn) / [tiktok](https://www.tiktok.com/@ruhns)


	2. and they asked me if i would

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> friendly reminder this is dark fic, although there's nothing extremely dark in this chapter! check out [Ataraxian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ataraxian/pseuds/Ataraxian) who is being extremely helpful and betaing this fic!

*~*~* 

**CHAPTER 1**

*~*~*

I was terrified the whole ride. The woman in red, who I’d learned was a healer named Sasha, told me I had a very special gift. She’d called me a Sun Summoner. I hadn’t the faintest idea what that meant. All I knew was that we were going impossibly fast in the troika and hadn’t stopped, except to change horses.

The man in blue was nice enough to me, and even gave me a sweet roll, which I devoured. We were never allowed such extravagances at the orphanage and the small display of my apparent power had made me hungry.

There was a deep sorrow in my bones. I didn’t want to leave the only place I’d ever had someone who loved me. I knew Mal couldn’t really come to find me, and I was afraid he’d try.

We carried on like that for four days until we reached the walls of Os Alta. When we stopped, the troika sat silently in front of the Little Palace.

We had passed by the Grand Palace, where the king and princes lived, and it struck me as the most ostentatious building I’d ever seen—not that I’d seen much outside of the orphanage.

Sasha helped me out of the troika and held my hand. She spoke swiftly to the guards outside the Little Palace. “Get ahold of one of the  _ oprichniki _ and find out if the Darkling can see her… Yes, I’m positive she is what I say she is.”

She murmured in tones so low I could barely hear her. Was I in trouble? Did I have some forbidden power? I didn’t know much about healers, although the three other Grisha I’d travelled with had tried to explain the orders to me, but by now they were terribly jumbled up in my head. I was tired, and when I got tired, I got cranky. If Mal was here he’d remember that. But no, Mal was at least a hundred miles away, back in Keramzin—and that made my heart sink. 

As we stepped inside the large gold domed entryway of the Little Palace, I struggled not to gasp. It was beautiful!

A guard in grey uniform rushed back to us. “The Darkling wants to see her now.”

Sasha nodded and stepped forward, but the  _ oprichnik _ guard replied, “ _ Just _ the girl.”

The unfamiliar man didn’t seem like a Grisha, but he took my hand and led me through a winding path to two black doors. The  _ oprichnik _ knocked, then gently pushed me into the room. It was well lit, for the middle of winter, and though the room was pleasantly warm, still I shivered. I’d heard a lot of awful things about the Darkling: that he was a sorcerer that kept the country safe with deadly powers, among others whispered among the orphans of Keramzin. I knew I couldn’t voice that idea now, and as I walked further into a room with maps and charts, I saw a man who could only be the Darkling.

He was exceedingly tall and broad-shouldered. His skin was marble smooth and pale, and still as stone except for the gentle scratch of the pen in the quiet—he was writing something.

Ana Kuya was of the opinion that I had no manners, but even I knew to wait for him before I spoke. 

He looked up from his writing to dip his pen in ink and something in his eyes sparkled. The Darkling left the pen in the inkpot and beckoned me forward. His quartz-grey eyes seemed fathomless and unending, and I was mesmerized by them. 

As I walked forward, it struck me that the Darkling didn’t look much older than some of the oldest children at the orphanage. Surely he couldn’t be the one in charge of the Second Army, the second most powerful man in the kingdom?

He pulled out a chair for me and I climbed into it, staring at him in wonderment.

“Little Alina.” His voice was surprisingly deep for how young he seemed. “They have told me you carry a great gift for our kingdom.”

I shrugged. What did I really have to offer the general of the Second Army? “I don’t think I do. I don’t have any parents or friends.”

“Sometimes family isn’t blood,” the Darkling said quietly, and then continued. “Hold my hand.”

I held out my small palm to his and felt his calloused hand in mine. For the briefest moment nothing happened as I fought my power down, trying to keep it buried. The Darkling looked me in the eye appraisingly, and I realized for what would be the first time in a series of many times that there was something… special about him. I let my power surge up, and the inside of the room brightened like a flare as sunbeams poured out of me.

This time, the Darkling gave me a real smile. “I have been waiting for you for a very long time, Alina,” he said, gently releasing my hand.

I felt like I had discovered a kindred spirit, a dream that I had long thought dead. He walked me out to the hallway and handed me off to one of the  _ oprichniki _ .

“Am I going to school tomorrow?” I asked him hopefully. 

“You’ll start school in a week,” the Darkling said.

I gave him a peeved look. 

“I want you to get used to the Little Palace and spend a couple days with me.”

I made a face. “I don’t even know you,” I protested. I suddenly missed Mal, and it reminded me bitterly that he was back at the orphanage without me.

He bent his knees and even then, he was a good deal taller than me. “ _ Dorogaya _ , it would just be to have lunch with me and then perhaps after, to see the palace grounds...” He pauses and I know there must be a catch, “...and then we must see the king.” He seemed to save this for last.  _ Dorogaya _ . Sweetheart. Ana Kuya was never so familiar with me. I did not understand why the Darkling, of all people, spoke to me like this.

_ But the King… _

“I’m scared,” I said to him. “What if I can’t summon for him? What if he  _ makes fun of me _ ?” I squeaked, and Darkling gave me a sympathetic look.

“It will delight The King to see you,” he said with some restraint.

I sighed. I was tired, and I wanted a warm bath—I bet they had running water here—and a long night’s sleep.

“Will you help me? Then you can start lessons and meet your new friends.”

“Fine.”

The  _ oprichnik _ guard started walking away from the Darkling, myself in tow, but the Darkling called, “Her rooms are to be next to mine.”

Next to the Darkling? What was going on, that I was so special? It seemed like the Darkling thought I had some magnificent power. Honestly, I thought it was cool, being able to summon the light and heat of the sun but…? A room next to  _ his _ ?

*~*~*

I got to take a bath that night, and even had a maid braid my hair for me.

The sun greeted me too early the next morning, but I grouchily pulled the pillow over my head as the staff tried to rouse me.

“Fine, fine! I’m getting up!” I raged after twenty minutes of badgering by the staff. They had given me the softest pajamas and a bed that felt like a cloud. It was the first good night of sleep I’d had in a long time. 

I noisily grouched around the whole morning until it came to getting dressed. They gave me a black wool  _ kefta _ with a clasp at the top that had a sun in eclipse. All the maids stepped back from me and bowed their heads in a show of respect.

I felt my cheeks heat. I still didn’t understand why I was so special. After a moment everything returned to normal, and the maids handed me off to an  _ oprichnik _ .

They brought me to a small black table at the front of the dining hall of the Little Palace. The Darkling sat with a cup of black tea, pushing hot porridge around his bowl.

“Good morning, Alina,” he said easily.

I sat down and the Darkling poured me tea from a samovar. He pushed a sugar bowl and milk toward me, snapped his fingers and one of the  _ oprichniki _ appeared.

“Order whatever you want,” the Darkling said.

I looked at him. Did he know I was an orphan? That this was beyond even my wildest imagination?

“Uh, can I have a sweet roll with strawberry jam and… an orange?” I asked.

The  _ oprichnik _ nodded and headed out of the room. I overloaded my tea with sugar. I hadn’t had it since the previous Sankt Nikolai’s Day and there were so few pleasures in my life, so why not? When breakfast was over, after the Darkling had pushed his porridge around his bowl and helped himself to several more cups of tea, he asked me if I was ready.

“Ready for what?” I asked.

“To talk,” he replied.

  
  


*~*~*

  
  


His personal sitting room was… dark, and very lavish. Apparently, the Darkling loved dark colors, because the squishy armchair I was sitting on was a pristine black.

“So, I’m sure you’ve heard the rumors about me,” the Darkling said.

“Many, and some worse than others. I know it was a Darkling that created The Fold.”

“Yes, he was my great-great-great-great-great-grandfather.” The Darkling showed no discomfort at talking about the Black Heretic, it sent a chill chasing down my spine. 

My jaw dropped at this… something related this Darkling to the Black Heretic?

“Can I see you use your power?” I asked brazenly. Then I thought better of it, adding, “I mean, nothing scary!”

The Darkling laughed lightly. “How about I save that for last?”

I nodded. “What do you know about me?” I was curious if anyone had told him I came from an orphanage founded by a war hero.

“Almost nothing, but nearly everything important.” He had a knack for riddles.

I rested my chin against my hand, and the words poured out easily; listing the facts of my life was easier than understanding this new world I’d been thrust into. “I’m from a poor orphanage in Keramzin. My best friend is a boy named Malyen Oretsev. He is not Grisha and I miss him dearly. I can’t remember my parents. I want to help you but I don’t understand why I’m being treated differently. You just told me you’d been waiting a long time for me, but I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do. I’m terribly confused and I’m homesick.” For a moment, we were both silent—I doubt he’d expected that kind of rant.

When the moment passed, he pursed his lips and steepled his fingers. “A significant donation will reach the Duke’s orphanage.”

My eyes widened. That was better than I was expecting.  _ It would be nice for everyone to get new clothes and new schoolbooks, _ I thought.

The Darkling hummed to himself for a moment, ensuring he had my full attention, and then started in on his own long talk. “Do you understand what you can do, Alina?” It wasn’t a question. “You summon the heat and light of the sun. I know you’ve heard of The Fold. There are creatures in The Fold called  _ volcra _ . They were the Black Heretic’s punishment for his greed. The  _ volcra _ feast on human flesh.” I gave a terrible shudder at that and he smiled kindly at me. “Don’t worry,  _ dorogaya _ , they can’t get you here. You are always safe when you’re with me.” When I settled, something in my face convinced him that I believed him, so he continued. “I’m sure your teachers taught you about how The Fold leaves Ravka landlocked and severs us from our ports in Os Kervo?”

I nodded.

“Your light could obliterate The Fold,” he intoned, and his voice is quiet, intense, so I listened harder. “You are Ravka’s  _ salvation _ .”

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t realize it at first, but a feeling of terror so overwhelming had moved me to the door. I couldn’t save my country! I was a little girl. An orphan, a nothing! The Darkling sighed. “ _ Dorogaya _ . You will not be Ravka’s salvation for years yet, and no one will ask you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.”

I shuddered, still trapped in that fear. “I want to go home. I miss my friend.”

Before he answered, the Darkling clapped his hands together and a tiny cloud of darkness filled the space between us. He then grasped my hand, gently, and my power moved through me.

Sunlight and heat radiated between us, and the darkness abated faster than I could believe. I breathed a sigh of relief. With the darkness, my fear, too, had dissipated. “That’s what you want me to do? Bring light to the darkness?”

He nodded, seeming infinitely pleased.

A long moment spanned between us, as I considered. Then I answered: “I think I can do that.”

*~*~*

The week passed in a blur. At the very end was the thing I’d been dreading: meeting the king. The Darkling had lunch or breakfast with me three days out of the week. I wanted to be around people my age again, people I could just be  _ Alina _ with and not the Sun Summoner. This strange new power, which I couldn’t even call myself, had taken over my world; I would give just about anything to be around another girl or boy that was struggling with their power.

I dressed in all black, with my  _ kefta _ , and followed the  _ oprichnik _ guards down to the Darkling’s sitting room. He was wearing black too. The significance of the black hadn’t quite sunk in.

We walked the long hallways to the Grand Palace, and they presented us as the Darkling and the Sun Summoner. I didn’t know how to feel about that.

As we stepped into the throne room, I realized I was before the King and Queen of Ravka and a slight tremor went through me. As we approached, I noted that the King had absolutely no chin to speak of and a weak jaw. He was smiling at me. “This must be the little gem plucked from Duke Keramsov’s orphanage!”

I didn’t like that the first thing he said to me was to remind me that I was an orphan. I did not need the reminder, as I already felt like I was at a complete disadvantage.

“Darkling, do give us a small demonstration! From what the rumors whisper, she cannot call her own power…?”

The Darkling’s expression was best described as unreadable. He’d looked that way since we arrived in the Grand Palace—I doubted he would call me  _ dorogaya _ in front of the king.

As he slowly nodded to the King, I felt a trill of panic roll through me.  _ What if I couldn’t do it? _

The Darkling clapped his hands and shadows formed. He wasn’t far away from me, and I knew he would reach out for my hand.

He let far more shadows fill the room than before, when we’d practiced. He took my hand and I let everything I had rise to the surface.

The darkness abated and it left my cheeks warm with the feel of sunlight.

The King was clapping and smiling, patting his wife on the hand. “Goodness gracious man, we have much to discuss!”

As the Darkling and the King moved to a smaller room to converse, I was led away by an  _ oprichnik _ who deposited me in my room.

*~*~*

I took lunch in my room. I knew today was the day I was leaving the Little Palace, hopefully going to school.

In the late afternoon, long after lunch and nearly after dinner, the Darkling came to my room. “Are you ready to visit the school, Alina? I’d like to show you where your classes are.”

I nodded. Then, hesitantly, I voiced the question that had been on my mind. “Did the King say… I was a good Sun Summoner, today?”

The Darkling did not smile, but I think I saw his mouth twitch. “We impressed him.”

I beamed and hopped off the chair I was sitting on. “Will I sleep at the school like the other kids?” Mal and I had gotten up to mischief at night: he’d once snuck into the kitchen at Sankt Pascha’s Day, and gotten us each an extra piece of Sankt Pascha chocolate.

“No, Alina, you’ll sleep at the Little Palace.” The Darkling’s voice brooked no argument.

I pouted. I bet there were plenty of fun and cool things to get into at the Grisha school. Not that I was much of a mischief-maker… that had been mostly Mal.

My heart ached for Keramzin, and for Mal.

He took my hand and I bit my cheek. I  _ wouldn’t _ cry in front of the Darkling. Even if he had treated me with kindness, he was still the second most powerful man in the country, and I refused to cry in front of him.

The school was just as beautiful as the rest of Os Alta, and the Darkling walked me through the painted halls and showed me where my classes would be.

All the classrooms were empty. I frowned as I realized I would have to wait until tomorrow to make friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I survive off kudos, comments, bookmarks, subscriptions... AND SPITE! come talk to me, i’d love to hear form you on social media [tumblr ](https://danaanruhn.tumblr.com) / [twitter](https://www.twitter.com/pincelings_) / [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/danaanruhn) / [tiktok](https://www.tiktok.com/@ruhns)


	3. oh no i've said too much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alina has her first day of classes, and has a strange adventure.

*~*~* 

**CHAPTER 2**

***~*~***

Classes started at eight in the morning, but I was already ten minutes late. There had been no one to escort me to class, so I’d gotten lost and ended up in the Grand Palace. According to the schedule the maids had given me, my first class was Grisha Theory in room 3A.

When I finally made it, the rest of the class was at their desks as I clumsily walked in. The teacher gave me a book and as I walked to the back of the class, I realized almost immediately that I was the only one wearing black. When I entered, whispers sprung up around my classmates, and the teacher had to hush the class. I felt my cheeks heat. For the next hour and twenty minutes, I doodled in the corner of my book and wrote the things I learned in the notebook I’d brought.

_ Like calls to like. _

_ Grisha Inferni ignites combustible substances in the air, but they need flint to create a spark. _

_ There is wind all around so any place there is air, a Squaller can change the air pressure. _

_ Tidemakers can use the water in the atmosphere to create water from nowhere. _

That was about the depth of my notes. The teacher continued on about Fabrikators and Durasts but I wasn’t interested. The whole class was facing forward, and I was looking at the back of their heads. There was a boy, with curly, light brown hair and a red  _ kefta _ that reminded me of Mal.  _ What did red signify again? _

I’d had the Darkling explain the orders to me one last time last night so I wouldn’t mess it up on my first day. I flipped my notebook to the last page and read:

_ Red  _ _ — _ _ Corporalki  _ _ — _ _ Order of the Dead and the Living: can become either a Healer (cool) or Heartrender (creepy) _

I knew they didn’t make any of the other orders specialize until they were twelve. I wondered what the boy sitting in front of me wanted to do. I hoped he was nice. It would be nice to have a friend that already knew the ropes.

The class got out and most people hurried off to their other classes. There was, unfortunately, a gaggle of girls who ambushed me.

“Hi! My name’s Marie!”

“And I’m Nadia!”

Their names ran together like tea pouring out of a samovar, in and out of my head like a broken teacup. “Uhm… I have to go to Baghra’s hut.” I paled at my lame reply. 

The girl who I thought had introduced herself as Nadia gave me a look. “Watch out for her stick!” 

I frowned. “Her stick? She beats kids with a stick?” That sounded awful, what in Saint’s name had I gotten myself into?

A girl with bright blue eyes, long raven hair, and a snide smirk said, “I’ve  _ never _ gotten hit by her stick before.”

The girl named Marie chimed in. “Not all of us are as perfect as you, Zoya!”

“No one can be,” the imperious girl said.

I’d had enough. “Bye,” I said, heading in the direction of Baghra’s hut. “I’ll see you guys around.”

*~*~*

It didn’t take long for me to wonder if I should have skipped this class: Baghra had hit me with the stick three times in under fifteen minutes. She barked out, again, “You’re not trying, girl!”

I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. “I  _ am _ trying!”

Baghra’s hut was like an oven as she thumped me on the arm with her stick and shouted again, “The sun is all around you! Call it to you!”

She was right though, of course. It was just before noon. I would never have as much ammunition for my power as I did now.

I reached down inside me for the power that had so easily risen to the surface with the Darkling near and…  _ nothing _ . It was like there was nothing special about me again.

I wanted Mal to tell me a joke or do  _ something _ that reminded me I was just eight years old. I was not the Sun Summoner.  _ I was just Alina _ .

She thumped me on the arm again, this time harder, and I barked back at her, “Why don’t you hit someone your own size!”

“Foolish girl! The Fold is hundreds of miles wide, and every single one of your classmates can call their power to them!”

“Well, I _ can’t _ !”

She whacked my shins, and I yelped in pain.

“I have never seen such a pathetic Grisha!” Baghra grumbled.

Overcome with misery and unwilling to put up with it any longer, I turned and pushed open the door to her hut and ran out.

I was homesick.

I did not understand what I was doing.

I was Alina Starkov, one of Duke Keramsov’s orphans.

I couldn’t be Alina Starkov, the savior of Ravka and Sun Summoner. I burst into tears and made a beeline for the trees.

I cried and cried. The cold bit into my hands, I only had thin gloves on. I didn’t realize it but I was running, winded, but running for my life. My cheeks singed with tears and cold. I went further into the forest, as far as my cold feet would carry me. Eventually, I collapsed into a heap. I sat with my knees pulled to my chest and arms hugging myself, sitting in the snow. Soaked and shivering.

I don’t know how long I had been out there — just that the feeling was slowly fading from my feet and fingers. The sky had gotten dark, I could see the stars.

I heard boots approaching — big boots. A man, I thought. Perhaps it was the Darkling coming to save me, or at least talk me into going back to school but the man that appeared in front of me was tall, blonde, and blue-eyed. He had a knife and a torch.

I screamed, “Get away from me!”

He was speaking a language I didn’t understand but definitely wasn’t Ravkan. The Darkling had explained to me that I was very precious to Ravka but I didn’t think I was worth killing over… Was this an assassination attempt?  _ Was I about to die? _

Someone was running toward me, from the school’s side of the woods.  _ Please, Saints, don’t let it be another assassin. _

The blonde man picked me up by the scruff of my  _ kefta _ and I hollered and screamed, then I kicked him in the head.

And then — something  _ happened _ . I do not understand  _ how _ it happened but the blonde man suddenly just folded in two, guts spilled out onto the ice and snow.

The scarlet against glittering white burned my eyes. Red… it was  _ so red... _

I screamed and cried, but someone was lifting me out of the mess and holding me close.

“You’re okay,” the Darkling’s voice said shakily in my ear. I was still crying, and he raced back to the Little Palace and started shouting orders at the  _ oprichniki _ and the Grisha. I got the feeling he didn’t raise his voice very often. 

He was putting the city on lockdown for  _ me _ . I couldn’t stop crying, all the blood, the gore, and the fact I couldn’t feel my fingers or toes was throwing me for a loop.

The Darkling was racing around giving orders with me in his arms like I didn’t weigh anything at all.

“P-Put me d-down,” I sobbed.

He didn’t respond — only gave more orders — and after a little while he walked into his sitting room and put me down on one of the comfortable armchairs.

“Alina, are you all right?” The Darkling asked seriously.

For a moment all I could do was cry. “I-I can’t f-feel my hands or my f-feet.”

He left for a second and came back with a Grisha in red robes.

“I don’t know how long she was in the snow. She may have frostbite, possibly hypothermia,” the Darkling explained.

The Healer sent for blankets and the Darkling laid more logs on the fire, not coughing as the flame roared to life. As he turned from the fireplace I saw that the Darkling looked… scared? Unless I was imagining it, he actually cared. 

It took a while; the Healer did something to my hands and feet that made them itch terribly. After she was done I only felt a residual tingling feeling.

The whole time she worked the Darkling paced, every bit the image of a worried parent.

I knew I was in a horrendous amount of trouble. How foolish I’d been! And all over being homesick, and not making friends quickly. The Darkling poured me some tea, added extra sugar, and put it in my healed hands.

“Don’t  _ ever _ do that again, Alina,” he said firmly. His voice had returned to the calm normal of before, but there was a note of protectiveness to it.

“Who was that man?” I asked shakily. “Y-You killed him!”

“He was a Grisha hunter from Fjerda, you saw his torch and knife. He would have done terrible things to you, Alina, if I hadn’t done them first.”

“Is that the first person you’ve killed?”

“No, and I doubt it will be the last,” the Darkling said grimly. “What happened that made you run into the woods?” His gaze was penetrating and it was like he could see the hurt in my heart. 

I looked down and fiddled with the blanket. “Nothing,” I said sadly.

The Darkling gave a mirthless laugh. I hoped I never heard such a sound again. “Did Baghra ask you to call your power?”

I nodded.

“And you couldn’t?” He asked.

I set my tea down, suddenly stubborn. “Of course I couldn’t, I can’t even remember the Grisha orders! I want to go home! I want my friend back!”

The Darkling narrowed his eyes, “This friend… Malyen? He isn’t like us, Alina. He is an  _ otkazat’sya _ , and he will only fear your power, especially as you grow into it.”

“I just… I don’t understand why I’m so special. The girls at school fall over themselves trying to get my attention and I don’t know what to say to them.”

“ _ Solnishka _ , you are a special Grisha, and you do not have to say  _ anything _ to them.”

I didn’t know what to say to that, so I picked my tea back up and sipped it.

My voice seems quieter now. “My  _ kefta _ is ruined.”

“I would imagine it is.”

“Can I have a new one?”

“Yes.” 

“Can it have a little sun on the clasp?”

The Darkling grinned at me. “Of course.”

“Thank you.”

Eventually, I made my way back to my room, where there were three  _ oprichniki  _ guards standing outside, with two Corporalki Heartrenders. Did I really need that much protection?

I wrote Mal a quick letter and I sent it off with the post. It was a simple missive, just a  _ hello, _ and  _ I miss you _ .

*~*~*

They lifted the lockdown by the time I woke up the next day. My new  _ kefta _ arrived in time for me to wear it. As I ran my hands over the sable wool, I wondered; did the Fabrikators work through the night? 

My first class today was Grisha History. It had to be the most excruciatingly boring class I’d ever been to, however, the boy with curly, brown hair and the red  _ kefta _ was in it. I strategically sat behind him.

I quickly wrote a note and passed it to him. I tapped his shoulder, slipping the note onto the desk, and he took it. It read:

_ Hi I’m Alina. This class is awfully boring isn’t it? _

He wrote a quick reply and passed it back to me.

_ My name is Ivan. Yes, it’s horrible. I heard you got into some trouble last night with a Fjerdan. Are you ok? _

I flushed. Did  _ everyone _ know about that?

_ I’m fine. The Darkling saved me. Do you want to be a Healer or a Heartrender? _

“Miss Starkov, can you give me the date of the Fjerdan invasion?” the teacher asked pointedly.

Saints! I didn’t have a clue. “Last night around dusk?” A few of my classmates giggled, but she didn’t seem to think I was very funny.

The teacher pursed her lips and continued reading a passage from the book we needed to be taking notes from.

I passed the note to Ivan. He seemed to be multitasking, writing his class notes hurriedly, then switching to the notes we were passing in quick succession.

_ Nice save with the teacher. The Darkling saved you? Must be nice to have friends in high places. Heartrender. _

I read his note and the bell rung. I had no class notes. Chairs started scraping, but the teacher put a hand up.

“There will be a pop quiz on the subject of today’s reading on Thursday.”

I was sure she gave me a nasty look as I walked out, but I didn’t pay it too much attention; Ivan caught up with me as I left. “Do you want to copy my notes?” 

I didn’t want to fail the test, and I also wanted to make friends. If I could copy his notes it would be nice, right? “Sure, thanks.” He handed me two sheets of paper with chicken scratch handwriting. I’d have to figure out the rest.

*~*~*

That night, the Darkling called on me. We had little biscuits with thick white frosting and tea with honey in my sitting room. We sat there, chatting about school and about Ivan. The Darkling didn’t seem to care much that I’d been passing notes in class. He approved of Ivan as a friend for me.

Then, he handed me the letter I thought I had sent out in the mail. “Alina, you cannot contact Mal.”

I felt almost as if he’d slapped me. “But he’s my friend! What do  _ you _ know about having friends?” I snapped at him.

The Darkling heaved a sigh. “Enough to know that any  _ otkazat'sya _ will never understand the gift you have, _ solnishka _ .”

I didn’t get it. Why couldn’t he understand that Mal was important to me? That he was the only thing from my previous life that I had left?

I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. How dare he intercept my mail!

“Get out,” I breathed with as much pure rage as my tiny body could produce.

The Darkling had the nerve to look irritated, rubbing his temple like I was annoying him. “Have another biscuit, Alina.” 

“Get out!” I shrieked at him, realizing suddenly that tears were stinging my eyes. “Mal was all I had and now you’re taking him away from me!” 

He rolled his shoulders, set down his teacup, and exited.

I didn’t sleep as well, that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FEEDBACK: it makes me write faster and encourages smut writing. come talk to me, i’d love to hear form you on social media [tumblr ](https://danaanruhn.tumblr.com) / [twitter](https://www.twitter.com/pincelings_) / [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/danaanruhn) / [tiktok](https://www.tiktok.com/@ruhns)


	4. i thought i heard you laughing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember to mind the tags.

*~*~* 

CHAPTER 3

*~*~*

It had been two weeks since the Darkling walked out of my sitting room. We were well into the depths of true Ravkan winter now, and so I wore long pajamas under my regular pants and an even thicker kefta to match. 

Things with Baghra weren’t going well. I’d been able to conjure a tiny, muddled pool of light one afternoon, after an especially hard thump from her stick. I’d asked Nadia and Marie how they called their power to them but they weren’t much help. The girls hadn’t really been able to put it into words.

When I approached Ivan on the subject, he’d heard I’d been asking around. “You know Baghra is an amplifier?” the Corporalki answered when I asked him. “So is the Darkling.”

Amplifiers… I’d read about them and had several lectures about them. They magnified Grisha power.

“So… that’s why when the Darkling touches me I can use my power?”

Ivan’s eyes narrowed as he harrumphed his disgruntlement. “He lets you touch him? Someone’s special.”

“Ugh!” I flicked Ivan’s ear, hard.

“Watch yourself, Starkov. I may not have started my specialization yet, but I bet I could make you throw up all over Nadia’s shoes.”

Nadia looked highly affronted. “Don’t you dare, Ivan. You know that’s big trouble, using our powers in the hallways. Not to mention, these are my favorite shoes.”

Too late, though: Ivan had begun to roll his wrist in a clockwise motion and I felt my stomach churn. “Ivan, ewww! I feel sick!”

He rolled his hand around faster and I grabbed it tight, preventing him from using it to torment me any more. I summoned my weary little puddle of light, and Ivan laughed himself hoarse.

*~*~*

I went to Baghra’s hut determined that day. If Ivan, Marie, and Nadia could all call their power, then I should be able to.

  
“I hope you’re ready to actually try today, girl,” Baghra snapped at me just as I put my foot in the door.

  
“You didn’t tell me you were an amplifier,” I quipped.

  
It wasn’t the reply she had been expecting, and her replying tone was harsher than usual. “You don’t need an amplifier!"

  
I summoned my weak pool of light. It barely lit both of us in the dark hut, and I sounded bitter, so bitter. “Is that going to destroy The Fold? I need you to actually help me!”

  
She grabbed my wrist and instantly, the hut was flooded with heat and light.

“Amplifiers are for fools who don’t know their own power,” she snapped and pulled back from my wrist. “Summon!”

  
I reached down inside myself for that power. I thought of Ivan making my gut roil with a flick of his wrist. I thought of Nadia getting in trouble for making lightning a week ago. But most of all, I thought of the Darkling, who called his power to him like it was as easy as breathing. I thought of The Fold and how strong a united Ravka would be. I dug deeper, sweat breaking out on my brow. I could feel the burn of Baghra’s hard eyes, but I wouldn’t let her break my focus. At least she seemed to have nothing to say, for good or for ill. 

Right when I thought I was going to scream with effort, a sunbeam shot out of my hand, bright as the midday sun.

Baghra thumped me with her stick. “Make it bigger!”

I wished the Darkling was here to exact retribution for me, but I dove deeper inside me and found… there was no deeper to go. That was all I had in me.

Baghra whacked me again. “Hold it!” I was sweating and tired and cursing Baghra to every Saint I could name in my thoughts, but I held the sunbeam for a good five minutes.

As I held, I considered: I hadn’t been entirely honest when I insisted that Mal wasn’t holding me back. Every time I went to call my power it felt like I was reaching for him. I was never going to see Mal again, I knew, but it was hard to accept—if I could just push him further out of my mind, I would be able to call more sun to me.

When we were done Baghra said, “Better. Much better.”

I went to bed smiling that night.

*~*~*

I had noticed that Ivan, Marie, Nadia and I weren’t the only ones who generally sat at the back of classes. There was a girl in Grisha Theory that had stunning red hair and the most brilliant amber eyes I had ever seen. She wore a cream kefta… Wasn’t cream the color of the servants in the Grand Palace?

I wasn’t sure, but it seemed like a strange choice for her. She’d never revealed her power in front of us, and Ivan was not kind to her.

Walking out after class, Ivan stepped on the back of her shoe. She toppled forward and muttered an oath, but fast as lightning she was back on her feet and all she did was put her hand on Ivan’s face before walking away, seemingly satisfied.

I looked at Ivan and… oh boy.

“Saints!” Ivan cried out.

As Marie, Nadia, and Zoya approached us, I couldn’t keep it in—I laughed. She had given him a black eye without punching him. It looked horrible; his cheek was a deep shade of purple and the outside edges were a deep blue. The girls were all roaring with unladylike laughter and a teacher came out to see what the disturbance was.

“Girls, enough of that!” the teacher barked.

She looked at Ivan and pursed her lips. “Ivan, who were you brawling with?”

“Genya! She used her power to give me a black eye!”

The teacher didn’t seem to believe Ivan. “Who were you brawling with, young man?”

“I’m not lying!” Ivan complained. “Ask Alina, she saw everything!”

_Oh great._

The teacher turned her attention to me and I wanted to just walk away from the whole thing. Genya was in possession of some power that made her on the receiving end of taunts and miscommunications.

“I saw nothing,” I said. I added an innocent shrug in for effect.

The teacher looked annoyed. “Go see a healer for that, Ivan, and the rest of you get to lunch!”

*~*~*

I had my first tests in Theory and History the next day. Each exam was an essay, which we were given an hour each to do.

I walked out feeling somewhat confident. I wasn’t stupid at all, and Marie, Nadia, and Ivan had all formed a study group I’d taken part in.

The bright side of having tests at school was that we got out early. I headed straight back to the Little Palace, intending to collapse on my bed, but the Darkling was in my sitting room, putting heaping spoons of sugar into his tea.

“You will rot your teeth straight out of your head!” I snapped at him.

“Grisha teeth don’t rot,” he retorted.

“Then you will get fat.” I didn’t know why I was in such a foul mood. I was tired, my friends and I having studied late.

“Have you ever seen a fat Grisha?” He asked me.

I paused—no, I hadn’t.

“What do you want?” I asked him.

“Just to talk.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “You knew I was getting off early because I had tests.”

“I would be a very shoddy mentor if I didn’t know how school worked.” I thought I could almost see the sliver of a smile. He’d started stirring his tea, next to a plate of little cookies in the shape of sunbursts.

“Did you go to school here?” I asked him.

“No, Darklings have to hide until they are ready to take power due to assassination concerns.”

“Ok, well I’m going to go hang out by the lake. Ivan is going to give Zoya a bloody nose and I’m looking forward to it.”

He put his teaspoon on his saucer. “Do you like Ivan?”

“He’s okay when he’s not trying to make me throw up.”

The Darkling looked nonplussed. “He didn’t try to hurt you, did he?”

“No, no. He was teasing me.”

A knowing smirk graced the Darkling’s features. “I like Zoya. Do I need to intercede on her behalf?”

I looked at him carefully. “If you’re trying to get on my good side this isn’t the way to do it.”

“You don’t like Zoya?” he asked blandly.

“She’s…” I paused, trying to think of something to say that wasn’t a swear word. “She’s got the temperament of a great white shark, always looking for new prey.”

The Darkling smiled. “That’s true.”

“Can I go now?” I pleaded, practically jumping up and down.

“Yes, yes, of course.” He smiled broadly then, seeming pleased that I was getting along with the other Grisha. 

*~*~*

Ivan and I snuck up on Zoya and after a couple of tries, he got her nose to drip blood down her kefta. It was not as exciting as we’d hoped, but she still cried, because her kefta was ruined. Nadia tried to listen in on a conversation with the healers who couldn’t explain where Zoya’s nosebleed had come from. Marie was talking to Sergei.

Before long, Ivan and I were alone. He gently pulled my braid, and I complained.

“Have you learned how to call your power yet?” Ivan wondered, toeing the snow.

“Kind of?”

“Can you show me?”

I knew that if I tried and failed, he might laugh, and that would disappoint me. “I’m not very good…” I hedged.

“Give it a shot, I promise I won’t laugh if you can’t,” Ivan reassured me.

I reached down inside myself for my power, brushed Mal and Ana Kuya to the side. I called the light to me. It was dusk but I could feel the sun inside me, wanting to surface. I pulled all the memories of my classmates successfully using their powers and held onto them for dear life.

I brought the light up and out of me and held a sunbeam in my hands. It was just light, not heat but I was proud.

I reached further down into me and tried to bring out the heat… and it worked, a little.

Ivan looked proud of me. He ruffled my hair and smirked happily. I thought this might be the beginning of a beautiful new life, a life of power. 

I didn’t see the Darkling watching from Baghra’s hut.

On my way back, I ran into a boy maybe a year or two older than me in the halls of the Grand Palace. He had light blonde hair and hazel eyes.

He bowed to me, even though I’d just slammed bodily into him in my haste to get out of the Grand Palace as fast as possible.

*~*~*

A few months passed. Winter gave way to a slushy spring.

I hadn’t seen Ivan in lessons all day. He was my friend… but he had me worried. I went to the school looking for the boy’s dormitory, figuring that Ivan would be with the rest of the boys from his dorm.

I found Ivan alone.

The little hiccuping sobs he made told me something was very wrong. “Ivan? It’s Alina, are you ok?”

No answer.

“Ivan?” I called again and pushed open the door.

He was on the floor, knees tucked into his chest, tears running down his cheeks.

I ran to him and fell to my knees. “What’s wrong?”

“M-my b-b-brother!” He pushed a letter into my face. I’d seen many like it. It was a letter of condolence from the First Army.

“Did your dad send this along?” I was trying to get some reason from him but one look from him told me what I’d wondered. His father was dead, which really just made him a lot more like me than I thought he’d ever be. I sat down next to him and he tilted his cheek to my shoulder. My kefta was soaked with tears after a few minutes.

“Ivan, where’d the rest of the boys from the dorm go?” I asked steadily.

He let out another hiccuping sob. “T-They left because they d-didn’t want to be a-around me.” I sensed the lie and looked him in his red-rimmed eyes.

“Did you beat them up?” I asked softly.

“I g-gave them bloody n-noses. I’ve b-been practicing.”

I shook my head. A plan was forming in my mind, but… I knew the Darkling wouldn’t approve. I took Ivan’s hand and pulled him up to stand, held him close for a hug, and told him confidently, “I have a plan. You can sleep on the couch in my sitting room and we can get Marie and Nadia to get the boys back up here before you get in trouble. Were they bad nosebleeds?” I asked.

“No. J-Just enough to make them do what I wanted them to,” Ivan said steadily.

“Ok, let’s go get Marie and Nadia.”

Ivan hesitated. “I don’t want anyone to see me.”

I thought for a moment. I wished I could bend light like Nadia could bend sound. I filed that away and said, “I’ll run you over to the Little Palace.”

“But the oprichniki?” He asked me.

“They do exactly as I ask them,” I replied. This wasn’t entirely true, but it made me feel less small in the face of Ivan’s sorrow.

Ivan rubbed his eyes. “Ok. Let’s do this.”

We ran like little mice across the palace grounds and I caught a couple of strange looks from the oprichniki for trying to sneak an eight-year-old boy into my room, but they didn’t move to say anything.

I left Ivan in my room and locked it behind me, taking the key. I got Marie and Nadia in motion just in time, right before the old lady who watched the dorms waddled out to see what the wailing was about. She only found Sergei and Fedyor walking back to their dorm with cotton in their noses.

I went back to the Little Palace and cast my eyes to the couch. Ivan was asleep—on a pillow and blanket that one of the oprichniki had found for him, I supposed. I opened the door to my bedroom... and found the Darkling there.

Saints, I was in trouble.

The Darkling whispered, “Would you like to explain to me why Ivan is sleeping on the couch?”

“His brother died,” I said quickly, “I found him crying in his dorm and thought that he needed a break from the other boys.”

The Darkling sighed and rubbed his temple. “Ivan is a very good student, and someday he will be a very good Heartrender, but no one sleeps in the Little Palace without my permission, Alina.”

“Are you going to kick him out? He’s already asleep.” I considered begging him for Ivan to stay. He’d been so upset when I found him…

“No, I will not kick him out, but ask me next time.”

“I’m sorry,” I said gingerly.

He let it go at that.

Ivan was gone before the maids had come in to wake me up, the blanket and pillow stowed away as if he had never been there. I hoped he was alright. I suspected he’d heard my whispered conversation with the Darkling. 

*~*~*

Spring turned to summer and my birthday—or rather, Duke Keramzov’s birthday— approached. I knew I would be nine this year. There was no school in late spring because the rest of Ravka was busy with the campaign season.

I was sure I would spend my ninth birthday in my room, avoiding everyone. For the first time in months, I missed Mal. He would be turning ten today. Back at the orphanage, all the kids celebrated the same birthday, and so it often felt to me like there wasn’t much to celebrate. But Mal always did something, stealing the first of the strawberries or the comfort of a hug from his stocky arms.

Dusk had arrived when someone knocked on my sitting-room door. Night didn’t fall until late now, the long summer days approaching.

I was barefoot and didn’t have my black kefta on, just a simple black blouse and floor-length skirt.

I opened the door, and the Darkling was smiling down at me with a procession of sweet trays behind him.

Over the long winter, I’d developed a taste for sweets and it had made me look like an average nine-year-old, instead of the sickly thing I’d been before.

I gaped at him. “What’s all this?”

“It’s your birthday, dorogaya. You haven’t been out of your room all day and I wanted to celebrate with you.”

He was my mentor, I couldn’t turn him away.

“Don’t you have to be at the northern border?” I’d listened in on one of his meetings, ears pressed to the door. I knew they were dealing with difficulties with the Fjerdans.

He gave me a grin. “I wouldn’t miss your birthday for anything.”

I knew he was being honest with me and I let him in. Kitchen staff pushed in three trays, one full of exotic teas, one with a three-layered cake with fondant suns on it, and finally a tray with several small boxes wrapped in glittering paper.

I wasn’t expecting anything from anyone for my birthday. This was more than I’d dreamed of, I thought, looking at the cake expectantly.

“Can we have cake before we open presents?” I asked.

I had never seen the Darkling smile like this; it warmed me from the inside out.

“Whatever you want to do, Alina; it’s your day.”

We ate an obscene amount of cake—the inside was filled with strawberry jam. It was divine. The Darkling handed me a box when we’d had our fill, in black and gold wrapping.

Muttering my thanks, suddenly shy, I gently ripped off the beautiful wrapping and saw it was a bracelet with a thin gold chain, no clasp, and a sun made of solid gold.

“No, I couldn’t possibly take this!” I was shocked. The necklace was amazing.

“Yes you could, _dorogaya_ ,” the Darkling said easily.

My hands shook and as I put it on, it seemed to fit my wrist perfectly. Something in me felt warm and sunny, and I realized-- the Darkling made me feel special.

There were two other boxes, and he took them off the tray and handed them to me. I ripped off the paper (again, gently) and discovered it was a set: a necklace, earrings, and a bracelet. All in gold and Fabrikator-made.

What was I supposed to say?

“Do you not like the set Alina?” He asked.

“This is way too much for me!” I said a little louder than I’d meant to.

“What do you mean? You’re the Sun Summoner!” He replied. “Nothing is too much for you.”

I guess I didn’t see myself worth that way. In my heart, I was still a penniless orphan.

I started to cry, and the Darkling looked bewildered. It had been nearly six months since they plucked me from Keramzin. I guess I hadn’t slipped as gracefully into the role of The Sun Summoner as well as I’d thought.

“All the orphans at Duke Keramzov’s orphanage need the money from these so much more than I could ever need these!” I sobbed. I was sitting on the couch and he sat down next to me and took my hand in his.

“I told you a significant donation was given to the orphanage.”

“How significant?” I said, quieting myself.

“Enough for a new piano, new beds, new clothes, and as much food as those kids could want.” The Darkling said tenderly.

I rested my head on his arm since I wasn’t tall enough to reach his shoulder. “Thank you.”

“Will you take your gifts now?” he asked me.

I nodded and wiped my eyes, but before he could slip the necklace on I gave him a hug with my small arms. “You’re a good mentor.”

The Darkling slipped the little necklace over my head, then put the earrings in my ears. He patted my head.

We stayed like that until the sunset fully below the horizon, and I was fast asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come talk to me, i’d love to hear form you on social media [tumblr ](https://danaanruhn.tumblr.com) / [twitter](https://www.twitter.com/pincelings_) / [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/danaanruhn) / [tiktok](https://www.tiktok.com/@ruhns)


	5. an explanation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alina gets a talking to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *waves* i'm not actually dead

Every year, for three more years, the Darkling and I celebrated my birthday alone. I had turned twelve several months ago and winter was approaching. My powers were now more refined, and I was easily summoning light and heat without help. When Baghra complimented me for growing into my summoning abilities, I thought the world might stop turning.

School got more intense for most of my friends at this point, they were beginning their first year of specialization classes and needed more time in practical classrooms. Baghra was working with me for three hours, four days a week. I had Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off, but it was still grueling work. Several times since I’d turned twelve and school had started again, I’d gotten detention for taking Baghra’s stick.  _ Saints _ , I hated that stick!

Besides school…well, there was the Darkling. This fall he’d returned from the front lines with his arm in a sling. I’d never felt my heart beat so fast in my chest. He refused to explain it to me, but with Genya’s help, I got my hands on a bottle of kvas and planted it in his room.

I let him have at the bottle, then right before I was about to go to sleep, I knocked on his door.

“...Hello?” He answered, and his voice was different—oh yes, he’d definitely been drinking.

“It’s Alina,” I said in a hushed whisper.

“Come in.”

I poked my head in and saw he had the bottle of kvas in his hand. His color was high in his cheeks from drinking. He was probably going to be very upset with me when he was sober.

He narrowed his eyes at me. “Alina, did you put that bottle in here?”

I toed the carpet with my slippers.

“Why is your shoulder in a sling?” I asked timidly.

“I fell off my horse.” He deadpanned, seemingly numb from the alcohol. 

I gasped—most people who fell off their horses on the Vy, or any other road, died. I inched closer to him, trying to see the damage before I could stop myself. “Are you ok? You don’t look like you fell off a horse...  _ otets _ , I don’t know what I would do if something happened to you.”

“Alina,  _ solnishka _ , I am not your father. My arm was hurt but it’s alright now.” The Darkling seemed to have sobered up remarkably fast after I’d called him my father.

“What do you mean, you’re not my father? You take care of me, you make sure I have birthday presents, you’re the only person besides Ivan who isn’t making my life difficult.”

“Alina, it’s late, and you have lessons with Baghra tomorrow.” His voice was stern, but I knew it strained.

“I’m worried! You’re the only family I have! What if something happened to you?” I squeaked. It was impossible to think about, I would be so lost.

He sighed, “I was riding out in front of everyone and a Fjerdan  _ drüskelle _ laid a man trap. The Fjerdan’s knew we’d be on that road because we use it every year. The man trap closed on my horse’s leg and I went flying forward.”

“What!?” I raged. I knew  _ drüskelle  _ was a fancy name for Grisha hunter. I’d paid enough attention in Grisha History to know they had slaughtered enough Grisha over the years to make me sick.

“Shush, Alina!”

“I don’t want you to get hurt!”

“I haven’t been hurt in nearly fifty years.”

We’d had this discussion countless times.  _ How old are you? _ I’d ask him.  _ Old enough _ , he’d answer.

I turned and ducked out of his room. I was mad, frustrated with the non-answers, and worried I might lose him.

I fell into a fitful sleep that night.

*~*~*

The next day at school I bumped into Ivan, literally. We’d been avoiding each other and we both knew why: I took issue with him becoming a Heartrender. Logistically I knew it was inevitably the only Corporalki specialization for him that would work, but I didn’t want my closest friend in this new world becoming a killer and fighting in wars.

“Uh, sorry,” I stuttered out when we collided, and I could see he looked sad, but I started walking away.

“Starkov, you can’t hide from me forever!” he called down the corridor.

I rolled my shoulders and kept walking, but he covered the distance in several long strides.

“Alina, what’s your problem?” Ivan asked when he caught up. I was trying to walk as fast as possible, but that wasn’t very fast.

“Nothing,” I lied.

“That’s the biggest crock of shit I ever heard,” Ivan said crudely.

“Ivan, I have to go see Baghra,” I said, trying to step around him, turning halfway and pressing my back into the lockers.

The precarious position I was in only occurred to me after everything happened.

Ivan pressed his warm lips to mine, my first ever kiss. He cupped my cheek momentarily and then it was over.

When we both pulled back, he was smirking, my cheeks heating and my fingers itching to slap him. I couldn’t deny, though—it felt good.

“Does the fact that you’re not trying to roast me like a turkey mean you want to be my girlfriend?” Ivan asked.

I blushed furiously and walked away.

*~*~*

Baghra’s lessons went surprisingly well, until the end. I was working on heat control. Baghra would whack me with her stick and yell, “Heat! Child, the sun has heat!”

Heat was harder to produce than just light. I could make a pool of bright midday light with no heat the size of the lake without any help.

Apparently, it was the heat that helped keep the volcara away in The Fold, though, so heat it was.

I made a sunbeam with enough heat to melt spots of snow clean through to the brown grass.

Baghra thumped me on the shoulder and crowed, “Hotter!”

I thought of the blush I’d felt on my cheeks when Ivan kissed me, the heat of his calloused hand on my cheek. I thought of his larger body close to me, heat radiating off him—I had never been so close to another human being before. I pointed the sunbeam at the lake and melted a spot of ice about two feet wide.

Baghra harrumphed. “Not bad,  _ for a little girl _ .”

I rolled my eyes, grouching. Baghra was so hard on me that by the time I eked out any sort of praise, I was already in a bad mood.

That’s when the Darkling seemed to come from nowhere, unfolding gracefully from my peripheral vision. “Heat and light? I’m impressed.”

I turned to see that he was standing directly behind me, giving Baghra a significant look.

“It’s not enough, boy,” Baghra said, and the Darkling only answered with a sharp look.

“It will be enough. She’s only twelve.”

“Boy! I’m telling you it’s not enough!”

Why was Baghra calling my mentor, who was more than a hundred years old, ‘boy’?

The Darkling adjusted his arm in his sling and sighed, “Excuse us, Alina. I have to confer with Baghra about some of the student’s lessons.”

He gave me a strange look and I returned it with a look of questioning but walked off towards the school to leave them to their conversation. I looked over once to see him dipping a shoulder to enter the hut, and the door slamming behind them.

*~*~*

The kiss with Ivan kept playing in my head for the rest of the day and finally when it was impossible to ignore, I snuck into the boy’s dorm at the school. None of the boys were asleep, so when I knocked and asked for Ivan, he got taunts and jeers from Fedyor and Sergei.

Ivan stepped out of the dorm and I could hear the chitter chatter of his roommates.

“See something you like?” Ivan asked.

“My answer is no, I’m not ready to deal with Corporalki antics yet.”  _ Maybe if you weren’t so proud of becoming a killer. _

Ivan frowned at me and replied, “Well, I still want to be friends.”

I sighed in defeat, because that’s all I wanted, too. “Of course.”

*~*~*

The Darkling was concerned. One of the  _ oprichniki _ had reported to him that I had been hanging around the boy’s dorm.

“Alina, you’re too young for a boyfriend.” He spoke the words so easily the next day, I almost missed them. I hadn’t expected him to care, let alone notice.

“He’s not my boyfriend, he’s a Corporalki Heartrender, and I like him, as a friend.”

The Darkling didn’t seem to know what to say—I had never seen him thrown so off-balance.

I continued, shrugging. “It’s not like I’m doing anything crazy; he just kissed me, and I said I’d rather be friends.”

The Darkling swept from the room, and I wondered what had been so urgent that he’d simply  _ left me here _ . I fidgeted with my now sizable jewelry collection. “I don’t suppose you’ve had the talk about the birds and the bees?” the Darkling asked when he returned with an irate Genya, he was grimacing. 

I’d never seen him look so irritated—and dare I say it—menacing? I gave Genya a pitying glance—I was mortified. 

This whole conversation was for older kids… teenagers who wanted to have sex. People who were Genya’s age and older. I was not among that population. Ivan was just a friend, but Ivan told me himself that he’d thought of me as more than that. I shooed the Darkling from the room, and Genya’s shoulder’s set. 

“You know what we have to talk about,” I said, tapping my foot and rolling my eyes. 

“I do, and we have to take it seriously,” Genya said, “Alina, you have to understand that the Darkling wants you all to himself. You need to be careful—of powerful men.” 

I nodded. “Let’s do this, and make it quick like ripping off a bandaid. I’m not interested in Ivan like that and I don’t want this to drag—I’m sure you won’t enjoy it any more than I will.” 

“Have you bled?” Genya asked, her eyes soft, and understanding how awkward this must be for me. 

“No, I haven’t,” I confessed. “Although if sex involves bleeding I don’t think I’ll be doing much of it. I think I’ll die an old maid now.” 

Bless her heart—Genya laughed, she patted the spot on the bed next to her. 

I was still fidgeting with my jewelry, but apparently, this couldn’t wait, so I grumbled for a moment, and then I sat next to my friend.

She started, “Soon, your body is going to start to change. It’s called puberty.” Genya took a steadying breath, and her cheeks colored, “You’re going to start getting breasts, like adult Grisha.”

“Does that mean I’ll have to wear a bra?” I asked curiously. She wore a bra and they looked like torture devices. They didn’t teach orphans about bodies, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.

“Yeah, you will, eventually. It depends on how big your breasts get, some girls can go without one for a long time and no one notices, but,” she flourished her hand at her curvy chest, “If you’re gifted with the curse of curves then you need to wear one or else they bounce all over the place and garner a lot of unwanted attention.” Genya explained patiently. I figured it was best if she got through all the  _ very _ difficult parts in a hurry. So I sat there and listened to her as she explained certain things to me. 

She sighed. “You’re going to… bleed once a month. When you have sex, _ if you have sex _ , you’ll need to take something to prevent yourself from getting pregnant.” Her voice held a note of warning in it. As if it would be highly unadvisable for me to… do anything without the Darkling’s permission—which was frankly ridiculous. 

“What will I have to take?” I asked, genuinely curious now.

“The healers have contraceptive brews available, there’s even an injection you would take once a season and that would make it so you didn’t get pregnant. There are all sorts of options the healers can give you. But if you’re in a pinch,” she reached inside her kefta and took out a foil packet. “This is a condom. The man puts it on his… penis…” Genya and giggled in a small uproar, and I touched the foil packet. It took Genya and I several moments to collect ourselves. 

Eventually, Genya cleared her throat, and straightened up, “Anyway… he has to put this on before he comes anywhere near you, and then you can have sex. Since Grisha don’t get sick, if you’re having sex with a Grisha you don’t have to worry about venereal diseases, but if you were to, have sex with a First Army soldier or anyone without Grisha powers, condoms are the only way to prevent the spread of disease, and there are some nasty ones.” Genya said regretfully. She knew of Mal and my long lost friendship with him. I supposed he might’ve been my first if things had been different. It’s the first time I’ve thought of Mal in a long time. 

“How do you know all this?” I asked Genya and tried to keep a straight face.

“Somethings you just  _ know _ as you get older,” Genya explained. I made an unsure look, and frankly, this was scary. “You’re going to be fine,” Genya reassured me. 

“If you say so... ” I sighed, slipped off the bed, and went back to rearranging my jewelry.

The Darkling swept in moments later, and Genya made herself scarce. 

“You need to have another fitting for your  _ Sun Summoner  _ attire. It’s tomorrow at noon, I’ll be there, this is a military outfit, so I’ll need to make sure it looks alright and you can summon in it.” 

“Ok,  _ otets _ ,” I said smirking at him. 

The Darkling grimaced, “I am  _ not _ your father, Alina.” 

I could feel the fearsome wrath of a man who’d been scorned radiating off him. It frightened me, and thrilled me all at once. I knew I was falling in love with him, and  _ why _ I had called him my father was beyond me. He was… the only constant thing I’d ever had in my life. He was steady and unwavering. We were the sun and moon, always in sync with each other. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come talk to me, i’d love to hear form you on social media [tumblr ](https://danaanruhn.tumblr.com) / [twitter](https://www.twitter.com/pincelings_) / [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/danaanruhn) / [tiktok](https://www.tiktok.com/@ruhns)


	6. finally moving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ivan tries to keep his distance -- and fails. The Darkling takes matters into his own hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to Madi, your work on this fic has really kept me consistent and I truly appreciate it. Thank you to all my subscribers, and everyone who has checked out this fic, it was actually a tumblr ask that got me thinking about this fic again, so thank you to whoever that anon is!

Months passed. The Darkling maintained his role as a mentor. My thirteenth birthday was celebrated with the Darkling and some of the girls.

Ivan was, conspicuously, not invited.

The Darkling took up writing to me from the front lines. He never mentioned anything that could be considered strategic. He just asked me how my finals with Baghra were going, what the weather was like in Ravka, and seemed to be very concerned about who I was hanging around with. My grades were good, I wasn’t top of the class—no, of course not, that was Zoya. Genya and I bumped into each other and she started giving me little trinkets. It was nice to have a friend a bit older than me because I had questions.

On a fine June morning right after Midsummer’s Day, I woke up and thought I’d wet the bed. The truth was I’d finally ‘bled’, as Genya had so gently put it.

I cried when I saw, the bed was ruined and even though Genya told me this would happen, I still felt unprepared. I rang for a maid.

The maids helped me clean up my bed and got me in a bath. I felt weird, I felt crampy, I had a headache and I was having a horrendous craving for chocolate sweet rolls.

There was a knock on the door and I said, “I’m not dressed!”

Genya came in anyway. “The maids told me,” she said simply.

“Ugh. Let me guess you already know what this joyous event is about?”

“Yup. I started a year ago,” she confirmed.

“I hate it!”

Genya laughed, “None of us like it. Here, I brought you something,” she placed some sanitary pads by my dresser.

I was too disgusted with my own body to talk.

*~*~*

The next four days passed and I got a new bed; Ivan asked me if I’d been jumping on it, to which I nervously shook my head.

I avoided Ivan after that and tried to convince him I was fine. Unfortunately, we’d been friends for a long time and he knew something wasn’t right. A couple of days after I had stopped bleeding, he cornered me by the lake.

“Alina, tell me what’s wrong! Are you mad at me?” We were against a tree. He had his hands on either side of me.

I tried to move away but he was close, and I as much as I hated it, he was cute. “No, I’m not mad, but I’d rather not talk about it.”

He put a hand on my hip, it was a tiny curve but he gripped it and it made me feel like a goddess.

He kissed me, slowly. We’d never gone past pecks on the lips and holding hands. He licked across my lips and I understood he wanted more than a peck on the lips. I opened my mouth to him and… All Saints! It felt  _ wonderful _ . He held me and our tongues tangled, his hands wandered down to the soft curve of my ass. I sighed, and gently pushed him away. We couldn’t do this, I wasn’t ready, no matter how much he was my friend, no matter how much his power was alluring, neither of us was ready and I didn’t want to get in over my head.

“I’m sorry, Ivan, but we shouldn’t.”

He stepped back and hid around to the other side of the tree. Had I hurt his feelings? He came back a moment later and his cheeks were pink — he had a sad look on his face.

“I know you don’t like that I’m a Heartrender. I know you think I’m a bad person, that I must be ruthless. But honestly, Alina? I’d only be ruthless for  _ you _ .”

I was shaken to my core. Did I care about him, as a friend? But as more? Who really knew anymore? I was so scared of disappointing the Darkling and scared of falling for the only boy who’d ever really shown me affection.

“Ivan, you can’t say things like that. It’s confusing, and we’re not together.” I felt like sails without wind. He’d filled me up with a strong wind and then I’d stopped the world turning.

“I just want you to know you’re more than a friend to me, Alina—you’re special,” Ivan said, and then walked away.

I watched him go and felt a sharp pang of unhappiness, unlike anything I’d felt in many years.

*~*~*

That summer passed in a series of heatwaves: the Darkling kept writing to me, and I saved every single letter.

Ivan and I tried kissing a few more times, and I’d told him that I was only interested in being friends. He seemed to get the message finally, with only a few days left in the late summer—strange that he should get the message right before the Darkling’s return. 

When the Darkling rode in on his black horse I was waiting for him. I had the kitchen make me a small batch of sugar cookies with his symbol on them.

The Darkling picked me up and swung me around, and when he set me down I fed him a piece of the sugar cookie. He let me hold his hand as we walked into the Little Palace.

Only once we were safely inside his sitting room did I ask him the questions I’d been dying to ask him for months but were too sensitive to ask via post.

He was chewing thoughtfully on a cookie when I took a sip of tea and said, “Ivan wants to be my boyfriend. I think he wants to do  _ things _ with me.”

The Darkling choked on the cookie he was eating. His eyes watered and he coughed. “Alina-!” He said weakly. He coughed again and took a sip of tea.

“Sorry! Don’t die!”

The Darkling was red in the cheeks as he had been the previous spring when he had Genya explain ‘bleeding’ to me and I had been absolutely certain it wasn’t from lack of air. He rested his chin on his hand. “Is there something you need to tell me?”

“No…”

“Then why was that the first thing you asked me when we were alone?”

I put a cookie in my mouth so I didn’t have to answer. 

The Darkling sipped his tea and steepled his fingers. “Did you — ?”

I swallowed. “Absolutely not.”

“But?”

“But Ivan gets... excited when I kiss him now.”

The Darkling put the heels of his hands to his eyes. “Alina… if he touches you without your consent… I’ll kill him.”

“What’s consent?”

The Darkling growled, “It means permission. In Ravka and most other countries, a man has to have  _ consent _ to have sex or touch a woman.”

“Oh, well he’s my friend so of course he has my consent.”

“It doesn’t work that way! Saints-forsaken  _ orphanage _ ...” 

“What do you mean?”

“Every time any man wants to touch you, kiss you, or  _ any other blasted thing _ he needs to have your explicit permission, Alina.”

This was something I’d never heard, before; in Keramzin, the orphans were never taught this. “Why does Ivan need permission to kiss me?”

I saw it in the Darkling’s eyes before he said it, a protective sort of darkness. “Because if he doesn’t, I’ll — ”

“Don’t threaten my friend,” I said sharply. 

“Then make sure he understands the rules of consent, have his father explain it to him.”

My mouth formed a hard line. “His father is dead.” I was fed up, and this talk hadn’t ended the way I’d wanted it to.

“Nevermind. I don’t want to talk about this anymore; I’ll see you around,” I said airily. I didn’t see the Darkling fuming behind me.

*~*~*

As the weeks passed, school continued going well. I got perfect marks on a test that Zoya had flunked. 

I was starting to understand how the Darkling used his power so easily, my whole class progressing into their futures as his little soldiers.

Next year, at fourteen, we would start combat training with Botkin. Combat training was worth more than a third of our overall grade — in other words, if you messed up combat training, you failed.

Ivan was a good friend, although sometimes I wondered if he still harbored feelings for me. Genya seemed to also be suffering silently, and she was sixteen now, and it seemed like she wasn’t telling me everything she did after school. I hoped she was alright, and not suffering too badly. 

Although Genya couldn’t have been suffering too badly, because she and David had been on and off for ages. Genya would get cranky when David was too invested in his schoolwork or tinkering, and dump him.

My light powers were able to make heat comparable to a fire, and as a result, I’d singed my eyebrows a couple of times. Baghra wouldn’t stop her mantra of  _ whack _ , “bigger!”,  _ thump _ , “hotter!” and I swore that was all she’d said to me.

*~*~*

The Darkling pulled me out of school lessons, including Baghra’s lessons, for a day in midwinter, two years later. Not much had changed, and I was finally starting to get strong. Combat training was fun, and Ivan and I regularly made it a goal to lap the other kids. I was strong, and I would not be broken--not by any expectations or my best friend’s desires, which were slowly making themselves more and more apparent. 

The Darkling and I were walking in the snow and when we’d walked out to the tree line he told me to stay well back. He moved his hands in a high curving arc, a thunderclap sounded and the top of the pine tree plummeted to the ground.

My mouth was the shape of an “O”.

“How’d you do that?” I asked.

“I focused all my power in a small spot and imagined the thisness and thatness of the space between me and the top of the tree. Remember, like calls to like, so all you have to think about is all the sunlight trapped in the tree.”

“Er…” That sounded next to impossible. I focused on a tree branch and thought about the sunlight trapped in the tree, the tree was at least partially made of sunlight right? It had to use the sunlight to make its needles. I tried to copy the movement he’d made and focused so hard I gave myself a headache. I moved my hands and nothing happened.

“I wasn’t expecting anything to happen,” the Darkling remarked.

“So why’d you bring me out here?”

“Do you remember the night when you ran away after you first got here? The Fjerdan assassin was about to murder you, and I saved you?”

“Yeah, you cut him in half.”

“That’s what the Cut does.”

“Do I need to be able to do it?”

“I’d  _ like _ you to be able to do it, but maybe not yet.”

We walked back in, had lunch, he talked to me about some Fjerdian ambassador that was annoying him and the King. We watched the fire and we kept a steady stream of conversation.

Around seven bells, Ivan came and knocked on my door. “Alina?” His tone was soft. 

The Darkling opened the door on a shadow, and I blanched when I saw him. “Ivan, I’m busy.” I said, looking nervous. 

I let him in and got the feeling this was something most girls had to deal with. The protective guardian and the suitor.

“Can Alina come out and study for our Grisha History test?” He had his books, even though I knew for a fact he had no intention of studying.

“She  _ can _ , but will Genya be there?” The Darkling asked in that quiet way of his that managed to carry any distance. 

Ivan nodded, and the Darkling ushered us away, I grabbed my books, hoping I’d prevented the Darkling from interrogating Ivan about his intentions.

*~*~*

Ivan ended up taking me to the student library. There were tall stacks from floor to ceiling and loads of places to hide out and kiss.

I was currently sitting in Ivan’s lap and kissing him senseless. I felt like I owed him something for all his years of quietly yearning for me. I felt like I’d hurt him with my neglect of his feelings, and it felt good to be wanted, to be needed like a real woman—though the reality of my youth was not lost on me. 

My fingers began to tangle in his wavy hair, and we sat like that for a long time.

When I finally let him go he kissed my neck. Oh goodness, gracious it felt amazing… He bit down gently and I ground down on him in his lap.

He bit harder and I moaned lightly. Ivan growled and I pressed a hand to his chest.

I kept grinding on Ivan. He was starting to get definition in his arms and midsection and I was  _ living _ for it; he wasn’t lanky and small like he’d been. We’d both hit our stride on the physical side of things, as our Grisha powers grew with us. 

I ground down particularly hard and he whimpered with need. I didn’t notice the Darkling until it was too late.

He had a hold of Ivan by the ear and Ivan was yelling, crying out, “Alina,  _ Alina _ , stop him!”

I was powerless though. What was I supposed to do? Hurt my mentor because he caught my un-boyfriend and I kissing?

“Please don’t hurt him!” I begged the Darkling.

But the Darkling only kicked him out of the library. I was near tears.

“Alina!” The Darkling barked at me. I thought of the mad look in his eyes, and he truly looked like a wild dog with a bone. I wouldn’t realize for ages that it was  _ him _ , always him that I needed and none other. 

I stomped my feet noisily all the way to him, “You stupid asshole!” I raged at the Darkling.

“We’re leaving.” The Darkling’s tone allowed no argument.

We walked back to the Little Palace without a word. I stormed into my room and promptly burst into tears.

I’d been so close to finally making this thing between Ivan and me, really making it something that wasn’t shadowed and cloaked, something to hide. 

I didn’t love him, not like I loved the Darkling, but I had to start somewhere, right? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ccome talk to me, i’d love to hear form you on social media tumblr  / twitter / instagram / [tiktok](%E2%80%9D/https://www.tiktok.com/@ruhns%E2%80%9D)


	7. all the light we cannot see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ivan and Alina take their relationship to the next level--the Darkling suffers an injury.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so there is graphic ivanlina smut in this chapter. they are underage and this is your not so friendly reminder that this is dark fic and you're responsible for your interactions on the world wide web. don't clown pls. 
> 
> i have four more chapters written and unedited. The editing process feels like pulling teeth, honestly. I hope to have another chapter up in two weeks, or at least before march begins. 
> 
> thank you for your continued support. this story has a special place in my heart and you're all amazing!

**Two years later**

A rift formed between the Darkling and I.

I avoided him and he made it his business to be occupied with strategic things even in winter.

Besides that night in the library, the Darkling had given me extra papers to write for him on amplifiers and he made one of the oprichnik guards take me out to practice the Cut. He’d given me a crumbling stack of paper which he’d called Morozova’s Journals, he told me to study them.

I wouldn’t admit it to a living soul, but I felt hollow without his company.

Two, broken and desperate years passed. I could count the number of times the Darkling spoke to me on one hand.

My sixteenth birthday came and I decided to celebrate with Ivan, he and I had become very close. My decision to be with Ivan had reached even the king’s ears. There were rumors we would be sent out to the front lines together. It was such a romantic notion to ride out into battle with Ivan…

The Darkling had left early in the spring for Shu Han so he wasn’t here to celebrate it with me anyway, the first time in six years he hadn’t been there.

I wanted to be intimate with Ivan. We’d been sneaking around, being careful and one time he’d let me see his… dick. Just see it, that’s it. I still remember the flush of my cheeks—and his—when he’d showed me what I did to him—when we kissed.

Tonight would be more than just looking though, I was tired of yearning for Ivan.

So tonight we’d agreed not to have sex, both of us said we wanted to wait another year at least for that. Ivan had explained to me that there were other ways I could bring him pleasure and other ways for me to receive pleasure.

So as I slipped into a thin robe, made of satin, I hoped our little trist wouldn’t be interrupted. Genya had caught Ivan and I kissing frequently—I loved her to death but if she bust into my room to ask me something trivial tonight I might just blot out the sun in my fury.

I’d made it very clear that I was not to be disturbed by the maids in the morning and that no oprichink guard should enter my room unless our lives were in imminent danger. I’d given the two guards that guarded my room a heavy sachet of gold to forget any noises they heard tonight.

Ivan came at nine bells, much later than would’ve been considered appropriate for studying. I welcomed him with a kiss and he kissed me slowly back.

We stumbled into my candlelit room. He picked me up and carried me to the bed. He was not the boy who’d cornered me in the hallway when I was twelve. He was… different. I’d come to appreciate his sharply chiseled features and something about the brutality in his power called to me. I suppose after all those Grisha history lessons it rang true that _like calls to like_.

He kissed my neck and I tilted my head to the side for him to press his lips and teeth into the soft flesh there. This had been such a long time coming—I knew it would only bring us heartbreak but I couldn’t wait any longer—for this—for _him_.

My bed was about three times the size of his. I made room for him and I got on top of him. My robe and see-through underthings were enough of a tell about what I’d wanted from him tonight. The heat pooling in my core was making me feel sticky and aching with the need for him.

He had stripped down to boxer shorts and a red shirt. I pulled the shirt over his head and smirked. God damn it, he looked good.

Ivan had always been terribly handsome. But tonight, with the moon dancing on his sun-kissed skin, his dark blonde hair, unkempt from my fingers running through it, and saints, his chest was hard and defined. He was beautiful and the rippling muscle of his torso had me practically drooling.

“What’s under that robe?” He asked me in a low growl. The sound of his voice was enough to make my pussy absolutely drip.

I pulled the robe off my shoulder and let the black satin just fall off of me. My breasts were bared to him, they were small still, and I was wearing red lace panties.

His eyes were blown wide with need, “All Saints, Alina,” he whispered in my ear. I rocked my hips and kissed him, it was no more than we’d done before, besides the lack of clothes.

He flipped us with that strength of his and I sighed as I felt his erection pressed to my damp panties.

I needed to know something, “Do you love me?” I asked Ivan.

“I have loved you for so long. Longer than the stars have shone in the night sky. I will always love you, Alina.” Ivan said, digging his cock into my damp core and brushing his fingers reverently across my small breasts. It was like I was art, and this was the first time he was seeing a painting.

I blushed and stilled my hips, “I love you, I’ve loved you since you tried to make me throw up on Nadia’s shoes.”

He laughed, “Really romantic, Starkov,” he got rid of my panties and I took his pants off and let his hard tip brush against my folds. It felt divine…

He sighed, “Don’t do that,” he was biting his lip and he looked like a fucking god.

“I’m ready, I’ve been ready for so long for you, Ivan,” I murmur in his ear, and sigh with pleasure. I know we shouldn’t, know that there will be dire consequences for this.

I felt so bare. He settled his face between my legs. We’d talked about this, and I was ready. He slipped a finger inside me and I mewled with pleasure.

We were a little bit awkward. He didn’t really know where to press or what to do. I’d rather he learned with me though. I showed him where I wanted to be touched and eventually his head was buried between my legs, and he was sucking my clit and fingering my tight, wet core.

His finger was pistoning in and out of me and he licked, sucked, and bit my clit. It was heaven, it was hell. It was too much and not enough at the same time.

“Fuck me, Ivan, please.”

He kissed a line up to my belly button and I guided another one of his fingers into me. I fucked myself on them and he didn’t stop moving his tongue on my clit.

I felt strange, tense, and euphoric, Ivan whispered, “That’s it, baby girl, fuck yourself on my fingers.”

I had never heard something so filthy in my whole life and I pushed my hands into Ivan’s hair then moaned his name as I came.

Ivan pulled his mouth off me, his lips slick with my come, “Did you come, baby?”

I blushed furiously, and Ivan liked his fingers, “You taste like dessert.” He looked so smug, and I couldn’t help but feel good too.

“You don’t really want me to fuck you right?” Ivan asked a little uncertainly. He said it like he wouldn’t mind doing it but… we’d promised each other to wait another year.

I sighed shakily and gave him a look that I’d given him a hundred times before. 

Ivan didn’t hesitate, that was what I loved about him. He knew hesitation was the death of advantage.

I was putty in his arms, and Ivan was slow, and gentle when he entered me. He gave me several long moments to adjust to him and to finally move my hips.

Ivan fit inside me perfectly. Like we had been formed from the same stardust, he was so perfect.

His hips rocked inside me for what felt like hours. I was delirious with pleasure as, after what seemed like hours, my pussy clenched around him and he came inside me, my name on his lips.

It was falling and flying and dying all at once.

I had never felt so high.

Ivan never hurt me, for not one moment did I feel pain.

We were whole, we were moving forward, finally.

*~*~*

Because the Darkling was gone Ivan and I spent much of the summer being sickenly adorable. Marie and Sergei were together now too. Genya and David were back on so sometimes we all hung out together.

Genya had taken up dying the ends of my hair red, among other colors. She taught me how to do makeup and gave me the things to do my own makeup.

Once a week on Friday night Ivan would come to my bedroom and we’d sleep in until noon on Saturday morning. He made me see stars and we were doing so well.

I received a letter on one August day and saw it was in a familiar tidy scrawl, what could this be about?

It read:

_My dearest Alina,_

_I have been gravely injured in battle. I will be home in two weeks if I live that long._

_Yours with haste,_

_The Darkling_

I checked the postmark, it was postmarked over three weeks ago. Fuck. What if he met trouble on the road? I knew he was coming from the south, those roads were difficult even in the summer.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

There was nothing I could do. I had to wait it out, either to hear of his death or wait for his coach to come back.

*~*~*

In the early hours of the next morning, I heard shouting in the hallway and quickly put on my kefta over my pajamas.

What I saw… it horrified me.

The Darkling was being walked in on a stretcher. He was bare-chested and a horrendous wound covered the left side of his chest.

I started crying, _two years_ , we’d been estranged for _two Saint’s forsaken years_ , and now he was dying.

Healers, probably all the oldest, most qualified healers were pouring into his room.

I hadn’t told Ivan about this. I hadn’t had time, I’d been crying since the letter arrived and had just managed to cry myself to sleep.

I tried to step into his room but Genya appeared from the room, and pushed me back, “You have to let the healers work on him.”

Genya looked like she’d been up all night. She wrapped her arms around me and held me close. I sobbed violently in her arms.

Genya walked me back to my room and called for hot chocolate.

I perched myself on my bed, while Genya waited on the tray. I was gasping for air and close to being sick to my stomach I was crying so hard by the time the tray came.

Genya walked the hot chocolate into my room, “It’s the perfect temperature, just take little sips.”

I gulped it down and then Genya tucked me into bed.

I didn’t realize until the next morning that she’d spiked my drink with a sedative.

The sun was high in the sky when I woke up. I felt like someone hit me over the head with a brick. I ordered coffee instead of tea and plain toast.

I had one slice of toast and one cup of coffee before I walked over to the Darkling’s room. I took a shuddering breath in and knocked.

“Who is it?” A sharp female voice asked from behind the door.

“Alina.”

“Come in.” The Darkling’s voice sounded from behind the door.

I opened the door and saw the Darkling sitting up in bed. He was pale as death and his voice was slurred.

A healer in her red and grey robe sat up and said, “I’ll wait by the door.”

I sunk down onto his bed and bit my cheek hard to keep from crying. “I didn’t get your letter until yesterday.”

“I figured. I heard you crying last night and told Genya to knock you out.”

I pouted, “What the hell happened to you?” My lip was wobbling and I didn’t know what else to say.

He brushed his thumb against my lip. “One of my Grisha betrayed me.”

My eyes were wide with shock, “A Ravkan Grisha betrayed you?”

“Yes.”

“Is your wound infected?” He didn’t look like he had a fever…

“No, thankfully the Healers kept it clean. They just finished the rest of the work on the skin and my lung this morning.” I couldn’t help it, I was sobbing, nearly in hysterics. “ _Dorogaya_ , don’t cry.”

I cradled his head in my arms and looked into his eyes. “I am nothing without you! You’ve done so much for me and the last thing I said to you was horrible!” I pressed a ginger kiss to his black hair.

I leaned away from him and saw he was giving me a watery smile, “ _You are the sun, Alina. Everything revolves around you, I am merely the darkness giving you contrast to shine_.”

There was no one in the room so I pressed another hesitant kiss to his forehead. “Is your season ruined?”

The Darkling blinked and he tried to shrug, it looked like it hurt though. “The King needs to be disappointed occasionally.”

I laughed and rubbed away my tears. “Promise me you’ll never let me be so stupid again?”

“Hey, it was me who didn’t realize I had a traitor in my midst,” he tried to brush it off.

“I’m serious, no one can get between our friendship. Not even Ivan.”

The Darkling gave me an uneasy smile. “I need some more pain medicine.”

“… I’ll visit you later.”

The Darkling looked like he was going to say something, thought better of it, and said, “I’ll see you around.”

I got off his bed and headed for the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehe 
> 
> [talk to me!](https://www.twitter.com/sanktaleks)
> 
> also, ivan will get his comeuppance very soon don't you worry.


	8. the road to perdition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ivan and Alina fall apart. 
> 
> The Darkling makes a discovery. 
> 
> Genya brings news, and the quest for power begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whaddup, happy trailer release day, and surprise! i saw the trailer and knew i had to get this out for you today. thank you to all my lovely readers.

*~*~*

CHAPTER 8

*~*~*

The next several days I spent split between reading to the Darkling and trying to explain to Ivan that he couldn’t come to my room anymore. If the Darkling heard us… saints,I didn’t want to think about it.

“Alina, don’t you want me?” Ivan whined to me a week after the Darkling came back.

I stomped my foot on his boot under the desk we were working at. “Think with your brain, not the other head!”

“Ow!”

We were in the library attempting to study.

“You know you haven’t kissed me in two days?” Ivan protested.

“I didn’t realize we were counting,” I snapped.

Genya walked into the library and interrupted our bickering, “The Darkling wants to see you, Alina.”

I started packing my books.

Ivan stood up and knocked my books out of my hand. I knew he was turning into more of a brute, the boy I had fallen in love with was being replaced with a killing machine. The curious boy who’d used his powers to play jokes and was pure at heart was dying, replaced by a soldier that was aiming to be one of the Darkling’s best.

I kneed him in the groin, it was a low blow and probably meant that after over two years we were done but nothing was going to get in between my friendship with the Darkling. After seeing him so vulnerable—a part of me hated that I had given _that_ part of me to Ivan. Ivan had always truly been a brute.

Genya took me by the arm and led me out of the library, leaving Ivan bent over and gasping for air.

“If Ivan was my age and he did that to you or acted that way in front of the Darkling, you don’t want to know what would happen. Alina, you’ve been sheltered in the school and your little nights with Ivan that you’ve forgotten you’re Alina Starkov, the Darklings favorite, and savior to Ravka!”

“I’m not his pet!” I snapped, louder than I’d meant to.

“You’re still the savior to Ravka!” Genya challenged me.

“Just let me go see him…”

Genya let my arm go, “ _Remember who you are_ Alina!” She called to my retreating form.

*~*~*

On the walk back I’d realized the repercussions of kneeing my boyfriend in the balls. Ivan and I had started coming of age together and I’d given too many firsts to Ivan. I knocked on the Darkling’s door and tried to bury my fears about my boyfriend.

“Alina?” He called out.

I stuck my head in the door and smiled. “How’re you feeling?” I walked in a took the seat opposite him.

He smiled grimly, “Sore, but grateful.”

I looked at him. I had a feeling this was about to turn serious, “What do you mean?”

“I’m a Darkling, Alina. There have been more attempts on my life than I can honestly remember.”

It was terrible of me but I asked The Question, “How old are you?”

He shook his head and sipped his tea, it smelled strange… "Old enough.”

I sighed deeply, “If I wanted non-answers, I would have done my Grisha history homework.”

He laughed lightly, it looked like it hurt, “There are somethings you have to wait to know. Wait until we destroy The Fold. Then I’ll give you some real answers.”

“That’s a long time to wait,” I said forlornly.

“Somethings are worth the wait.” His grin was playful—and she set his tea down and looked at me with a question unspoken between us. He didn’t ask—and I frankly didn’t want to guess.

We sat together in silence for a long time. Finally, long after darkness had fallen and I was feeling remorseful for hurting Ivan, I kissed the Darkling’s hair and snuck out to the school’s dorms.

*~*~*

“Ivan! Open the Saint’s forsaken door!”

There was silence on the other end.

Where could he possibly be?

I was angry with Ivan, but I knew if he had done something like that to me, it would’ve been over… forever.

The next couple days passed in a whirlwind of classes and tea with the Darkling—he seemed to be more and more interested in me than usual. He was… happy, laughing and smiling while he was around me. Ivan wasn’t in class, and I was really worried.

I got back from class one afternoon nearly a week later and Ivan was sulking outside my room in the Little Palace.

I tapped my foot, “Where have you been?” I asked worriedly.

Ivan gave me a snide smile, “I peed blood for four days after you assaulted me.”

_Assaulted?_

I wondered if he’d taken this up with the Darkling. “I didn’t mean…”

“We’re over, if I want a whore to suck my dick I’ll find someone I can actually defend myself against.”

My bottom lip wobbled and I burst into tears, Ivan leaned forward and whispered in my ear, “At least I ruined you for him. He’ll never be able to touch you without knowing that you’ve sullied yourself. Everyone sees how he looks at you, Alina.”

I slunk into my room like a kicked puppy. I knew he was right, I knew that there was no use hiding my feelings for the Darkling anymore. I couldn’t get the words Ivan had spoken out of my head.

I cried myself dry that night, horrified with myself—and grieving the mistake that would cost me dearly.

*~*~*

Combat training classes started a few weeks later. We didn’t do any actual combat training but Botkin made us run the grounds, learn the proper form for push-ups, sit-ups, squats, and the right stance to throw a punch.

Botkin made it extremely clear that our powers would not help us in this class and if we dared to use them in class then we would be harshly reprimanded. I’d tried to get Ivan to lash out and use his powers, hoping subtly that he’d be whipped for it. How had something so lovely and sweet gone so rotten?

After the first six weeks, all of us were sore but in much better condition. All the boys were doing extra practice outside of class.

Zoya got a gaggle of girls, myself included, to do extra laps.

It was tiring but worth it.

Ivan took great pleasure in lapping me in running practice. He liked to run with his shirt off and… what could I say? If I didn’t know him as well as I did—then it’d be tempting. As it was… I couldn’t think of anything more repulsive.

*~*~*

Months passed until finally, the Winter Fete was upon us. It was mostly for the adult Grisha. I was depressed, and of all the people to notice, Genya had, she and I had taken to a closer friendship. She turned nineteen this fall, and I was turning seventeen in the spring—we were allowed to go to the Fete. We’d had extensive talks about Ivan. Whenever we talked, she emphasized that I was the Sun Summoner, and very much duty-bound not only to the Darkling, and the King but to myself and my own power as well. My power had finally settled in my bones. I was able to call forth light and heat with barely a thought. Baghra and the Darkling had been on me to get the Cut mastered.

I was under pressure. Ivan didn’t have a new girlfriend but he had kissed Zoya a couple of times, to my utter dismay. I had always thought Zoya was our number one enemy—for both of us. The girl was ridiculous. I couldn’t help but be jealous of her easy grace—the way she’d been able to call her power since she was a very small child. No—I wouldn’t think of that now.

It was the night of the fete, Genya was curling my hair and dyeing the tips gold. My hair was very long, nearly to my lower back.

Genya swore if I used her hard work to win Ivan back she’d poison me, and I didn’t doubt her.

There was something about Ivan I couldn’t let go of. My heart ached for him—even though he had no desire for me.

Genya kissed my cheek when she was done, “You look perfect.”

Genya’s plan was to sneak me into the Fete. I didn’t want Genya to get in trouble for me but it was an exciting prospect. She pulled out a box from the Fabrikators and lifted the top off. It was a black kefta… but in pure silk, with golden lining and my customary sun clasp. I sucked in a breath.

“Genya! You outdid yourself,” I said a little sadly. I was so torn, the Darkling—who had loved me all my life, or Ivan who I’d given so much of myself. It was perfect, and it was very… _Alina_.

I hugged her tight. I slipped behind my dressing screen and got dressed, carefully doing up the buttons. I felt like a goddess.

This was the first night in almost a whole season that I didn’t feel like throwing myself into my fireplace.

Genya took my hand and we were off.

*~*~*

It was crowded, there were important people from across the world here. Genya handed me a flute of champagne and I paused. Getting drunk had never been on the agenda. I reasoned with myself I would have one flute and then proceed with my night.

There was light lovely music and Genya twirled me around on the dance floor. If anyone thought it was strange for two teenage girls to dance with each other no one said anything—not they would dare comment on my off-tempo dancing with a girl who was little more than a servant.

The presentation of the different tricks and stunts from the Grisha orders was fantastic. We were halfway through the Tidemakers’ demonstration and a tray with fresh flutes of champagne started through the crowd. Genya had at least four flutes and I simply discarded my empty glass on the tray.

A hand I recognized picked up two flutes and pressed one into my hand, then rested their hand on my shoulder.

Just from the weight of his hand, I knew it was the Darkling.

His arms wrapped around me and it felt like coming home. “I have missed you solnishka.”

My cheeks heated as if warmed by flame. The familiar surety of his power ran through my veins.

_Sometimes home is not four walls but a person, but a living, breathing miracle._ I have to stifle a sigh of relief. I sipped the champagne. His breath ghosted against the shell of my ear. “How is my favorite girl?”

I could faintly smell the champagne on him—and something stronger. I knew he favored strong Ravkan vodka. I turned in the circle of his arms and he didn’t seem drunk, although his eyes were slightly glassy.

“I’m so glad you’re ok.” I sigh.

He groaned. He had always been significantly taller than me and the fact that my ass was now pressed into his groin in a room full of people—wasn’t lost on me.

He bit his lip, “I went out of my mind when I was injured. I thought maybe I’d never see you again.”

Oh, he was completely drunk… maybe I shouldn’t talk to him, wait until the morning. He ran his hand through my hair and gently pulled on my hair.

Hormones were pounding down the door to the sector of my brain that controlled rational thought. His scent, some kind of cologne that smelled like the sea and clean linen made the warning signs and red flares in my brain quiet.

“How much have you had to drink?” I asked, the last rational thought I would be able to produce.

“This is my third flute of champagne—after some vodka.” He whispered to me.

I should have put the breaks on right then and there. Should have told him what I’d done with Ivan. I should have done a lot of things.

But I was weak for him, I couldn’t help it, I turned my body in the circle of his arms—and kissed him. This wasn’t how I wanted things to happen. He kissed me back enthusiastically. We stood there, lost in the crowd, unseen by anyone who mattered and his hand went to my hip. I’d filled out more there since combat training had started and he dug his fingers into the soft flesh there.

I pulled back when the need for air became a problem. I looked around, we needed to escape for a few minutes.

*~*~*

I don’t know how it happened, things moved so quickly. But before I knew it the Darkling was between my legs, his head at the apex of my thighs, his tongue licking long strokes at my core. I was… lost to all thoughts or feelings.

But he stopped abruptly, and before I knew it the Darkling was standing over me, looking down at me with a mad look in his eyes.

“Alina Marie Starkov.”

“W-what’s wrong?”

The Darkling made a disgusted noise, and then roared so loud that the roof of the Little Palace seemed to shake— “YOU GAVE YOURSELF TO HIM?”

Oh boy. Here we go. I covered my legs up, trying to get away from him. “Baby—“

“ _Solnishka._ ” His voice wavered. “My dear s _olnishka_. I have waited so long for you. And you couldn’t do me the favor of _waiting_ until you were at least of age to fuck that—piece of pond scum.”

I held my chin high and hopped off the War Room table.

“I’ll see you in hell.”

“You’re not fucking going _anywhere_!” The Darkling barked. “This is not cute—this is not a moment to be snarky or funny, my Alina!”

I adjusted my kefta, “I got tired of waiting for you.”

“You got—“ The Darkling huffs exasperatedly. “You know what?”

“What, my love?”

His shoulders slump, “I’m drunk, and so are you. This wasn’t a good idea. All Saints what was I thinking?”

My face crumples, “You only wanted me for—sex?”

The Darkling’s face is crumpled with emotional pain, “This was bad. You’re—you’re not who I thought you were.”

I don’t think it would have hurt more if he’d said he never wanted to speak to me again.

I don’t move, I'm frozen in place.

“ _You were a mistake.”_ I thundered at him. “My whole blasted life is one unhappy coincidence after another.”

Genya steps into the room, her eyes downcast, “Morozova’s herd is in the very north of Ravka. Near the Fjerdan border, should the order be given?”

The Darkling doesn’t say anything for a long moment. “Tell them to not injure or kill it. That will be Alina’s job.”

Genya nods, and the Darkling shoos her from the room.

“We’re going north.”


End file.
